BYOC Saturday Edition

Well, because it is Saturday where I am, but I still want to join in :)

1. When is the last time you got and gave a compliment?
I got a compliment about 20 mins ago, when I sent a photo of my brand spanking new haircut to my sister (I'm channelling Rachel Barry from Glee if anyone needs a mental picture). I gave a compliment to someone I was working with last night, when discussing hair (pre-haircut plans), and I said she always has nice hair :) I was secretly hoping her hair Karma would rub off on me!

2. What do you wear to bed? 
Whatever I have laying around, at the moment it is a pair of cotton long sleeve (and long pants) pj's. Sometimes nothing but rarely.

3. If you could pick your dream job - with no worries of shifts or money or bosses or commute - what would it be and where? 
I would be a photographer - but in my dream world I've also gone to uni/tafe and done an actual photography degree, so I would be a qualified photographer. Recently in my area there has been an upswing in people buying fancy cameras and passing themselves off as professionals. Aside from the lucky few who are naturally talented, there are limits to what you can do without training of some kind. Some of my friends have unfortunately found this out the hard way - when receiving their wedding photos. Sidenote: no insult is implied or intended to anyone who is making their living as a photographer aside from the couple that have ruined my friends pictures. Ta.

4. Okay – I’m not trying to start some huge controversy with this question but I have to put it out there. If you’re being honest – do you think staying at home or working outside the home is harder? Can you honestly recognize they are both equally hard? Even if you don’t have kids – have you heard others talk about the two professions judgementally? 
I am not a mother yet, but I will answer this question from an outsiders POV. I have heard people speak both for and against working/SAHM's and I really think people just need to live and let live. Just because you do something one way, doesn't mean everyone should do it that way too. It takes all kinds, and everyone contributes in their own way. A friend of mine returned to work after 12 weeks while her Hubby stayed home with their baby, and they were on the receiving end of so much judgement. People couldn't believe she was leaving her baby home with his FATHER. Heaven forbid. 


5. Summarise your weekend in blogland and real life. 
Blogland - I think I'm starting to get the hang of it! I've picked up a few more followers than I had last week (welcome!), I've been commenting on more posts and I'm really enjoying it. RL - was a pretty good week! Work trip to a fancy hotel, only 2 night shifts. All things considered, not bad!


So I survived my first BYOC! Hopefully haven't offended anyone in the process!

Make Me Over

I have no idea what time it is around the rest of the world, but if it's not too late, I'd appreciate you dropping by HERE to vote for my blog to get a makeover :)

Thanks everyone!!

Group Hug!

You guys are awesome. Thanks so much for all the comments! I feel very loved and appreciate that everyone took the time to reply to my post. It really is like therapy writing this blog :) I wanted to reply to everyone individually.

Razzberry: I understand what you mean about being watched. I get that enough at the moment, I'm sure everyone is watching to see what the fat girl eats. I don't like to be seen with anything "naughty", as I can hear their comments in my head "well, no wonder she is fat".

MandaPanda: Hi! Thanks so much for following back! I have wondered if my view on telling with change after the surgery, I will just have to wait and see.

Alison: Thanks for dropping by. I have a feeling I will be in a similar boat and keep it mostly to myself, at least for now.

Bella: I am so glad that your workmates have been supportive! If I worked somewhere else, I may be thinking differently about my choices, but I know most of my current workmates have absolutely no idea and would be very quick to judge. I feel very lucky that I have found people blogging and will continue to be grateful for the support I am receiving here.

Catherine: Speaking of "finding" blogs, yours was the very first band blog I came across when I started researching (aside from a couple of people who I know in "real" life). I stayed awake until 430am reading my way from the beginning of your blog, and I was hooked! I totally get the food police thing, people do it already at my workplace with people who haven't had surgery! I do not need to add that kind of judgement to my stress levels.

Sam: My husband was given a very specific warning when we first started considering WLS for me. Do not talk about this with anyone. Especially his parents, as I know they sit firmly in the "must be stupid and lazy" camp. He knows from previous experience that discussing my personal business with people outside our marriage is a Bad Idea and not worth messing with our relationship.

So anyway, a huge thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences with me!



.

Securely in the Closet

I was over at another blog, and just had to come here and share what I read. For those who don't follow Bandita Senorita you should go over and check her out. She has posted a very articulate description of the reasons that she has not disclosed her surgery to her general circle of people (to read this post, click here).

It got me thinking about the reasons why I am staying in this lovely dark closet for the time being (and realistically, for quite a while).

1. It's not about anyone else. I think there is a danger of people taking my decision personally, and react without thinking about what it means for me. Taking this step is not a judgement on anyone else's decisions, or on their weight loss methods. It is about me.

2. I'm really not ready for the scrutiny it would involve, especially if word were to get out at work. There is someone I work with that has told people she has had "a gastric surgery" to help lose weight for her wedding. I'm not sure which surgery she went with (and I know it's totally none of my business), and people have been really nasty about it. These are people that refer to watching TBL as "the fatties". I am absolutely doing my best to prevent anyone finding out, especially before the surgery. I know there is a danger that anyone reading this might figure out they know me, but I'm taking the chance that it won't happen (has it ever happened to anyone else?).

3. I don't want to hear other peoples opinions about WLS, especially any that involve the words "the easy way".

4. It's not really anyone else's business. I don't expect people to share their medical details, why should I share mine?

Obviously my husband knows, and I've told my sister and one of my BFF's. If I decide to tell anyone else, I will be thinking long and very hard before I do. You can't unring that bell.

Back again

Does anyone think of things they wanted to say after you press publish? I've been mentally writing posts all week, but when I actually write them my brain goes blank! I think I will have to make more use of my the mobile blogging app on my phone so I can catch thoughts when I think of them.

Cheers!

The Week (or two) that was!

I have no idea where the time has gone! Well, actually I do, but it has gone so quickly that I have already fallen behind in my blogging and I've only been doing it for a few weeks! I resolve to be a more conscientious blogger.

So anyhow, settle in and get comfortable, we got ourselves some catchin' up to do! I might even splurge on some subtitles!

Round and around
Last weekend, hubby and I were in a team that participated in a charity fundraiser. We essentially helped carry a baton around a track for the best part of 18 hours. I won't name the event here in case I pop up in random searches, but I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about! I was really pleased with my contribution to the efforts, although I didn't do as much as others (um... hubby), I did walk over 15kms. I also came to the conclusion that I need new shoes! After only the first 10 laps or so, my feet were absolutely killing me, in the same spot on both feet. Peculiar, and unfortunately only the beginning. Also, we raised a bunch of money!

Emergency clothes shopping
I have to admit, this week snuck up on me. I have known for a couple of months that I was going away to a conference/meeting (see next subtitle), however it wasn't until last week that I actually read the part of the information letter that said "dress code smart casual". Now, the problem is that I live in a warm area. The conference was in a cold area. I don't own cold area clothes! So Sunday afternoon (no, I don't leave things to the last minute, why do you ask?), I rushed out to buy stuff. It was an interesting experience. On the up side, the shop I ended up in had 40% off (yay!), on the down side, finding pants to fit me was a pain! How is it that I fit (barely) into just one pair of 8 pairs of pants that were all the same size? Surely "size" should mean that someone buying that "size" should be able to fit into them all? Well, it would in my ideal world. I can't wait to live there.

Fly me to the moon
So insanely early on Monday morning (otherwise known as Sparrow Fart), I hauled my sleep deprived ass out of bed to catch a plane. As previously mentioned, I am not a Morning Person, so this was a major effort for me. Thankfully, there was an empty seat next to me, as this particular airline seats seemed particularly skinny. To cut things short, I had a fantastic time at the conference, met some lovely people and I'm really hoping I can convince the bosses to let me go next year. It was held at a really, really nice resort with an equally spectacular day spa attached. I took the opportunity to sneak in a massage at said spa when there were a few free hours. Spec. Tac. Ular. My post massage glow was temporarily disrupted when I got to the airport for my return flight. I had been allocated... wait for it.....a middle seat. I can not remember the last time I sat in the middle, as I'm usually able to check in far enough ahead to avoid it. However, as this flight was booked for me I didn't have this opportunity. Lucky for me, there was a very understanding lovely lady at the bag drop counter who moved me! Not only did I get an aisle seat, but she put me next to the only empty seat on the plane! Bless her cotton socks. I was very grateful, especially when I could feel the armrests rise up when my legs spilled underneath them.

I think that is enough for now, I'm starting to fade. Tonight is "stay awake for as long as possible in order to sleep all day tomorrow before night shift" night.

Oh! One more thing. The lovely Sam has nominated me for a blog makeover from Just Foolin' Blog Designs! It would be fabulous if anyone feeling generous could go over and drop Jen a line to vote for me (and for Sam too!).

Goodnight internet!

Still here!

No, not a rapture related blog. Just dropping by to let you know I haven't dropped off the face of the planet, I've just been SUPER busy with work, and managing to fill my days off with other exciting things which I promise to blog about later. For now, it is 527am and I'm sitting in an airport, waiting to get on a plane. Joy of joys. Have I mentioned I am not a morning person? Talk soon Internet xoxo

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Accountability

Ok readers. I promised I would be back after I weighed in so you could provide me with some accountability (ie, if I tell you how much I weigh, I will be less likely to consume my body weight in junk tomorrow). Ideally, I should have done this yesterday and then I might have avoided the crap nutritional choices that I made today. 

Just as a side note, I really debated with myself about whether I would do this. One of the judgements opinions I have faced when discussing my weight with people before is that I get "you're not that fat", or "not everyone can be thin" (fyi the person who said that nearly wore the salad I was eating at the time). I know that I am more overweight than some who have had surgery, and less than others, but to me it is a personal thing. I made this decision because I am exhausted, I am tired of struggling to keep a lid on my weight. I need the help that the lapband is offering. It is about me and my weight, and implies no judgement of anyone else. Does that make any sense or am I just rambling again? 

Phew, now that is out of the way. So here it is. I weighed in yesterday morning at 87.1kg, which is about 192 pounds for those playing along on the other side of the globe. Now, I am only 5 feet (and half an inch) tall, so my BMI is currently 36.7. Obese, or morbidly obese depending on the chart you are looking at. The "normal" weight for my height (to squeeze into a BMI of 25) is 59kg (130 pounds) so I am officially 28.1kg away from being in the normal BMI range.  

I have never weighed 59kgs. Well, that was a stupid statement. Obviously I passed it on the way up to 96kg/212lb (the heaviest I have been measured, who knows if it was more - I was too scared to get on the scales!). In the past 18 months I have worked my way down to 77kg/170lb (my wedding day) and then gained 10kg back again before I made the decision to get a band. I cannot even imagine being anywhere near something that starts with a five!!! 

So that, friends, is my ultimate goal - 59kg. Obviously that won't happen overnight, so my first mini-goal is to get down to 85. I promised myself a Full Blog Makeover from Jenny when I get to my first goal, so I don't want it to be too far away. I've already started with a new handwriting font! 

Before I go (and congrats to anyone who is still reading this novel!), a quick shoutout to Sam who is being banded today!! I'm so jealous that her day has come along so soon, but I know mine will be here eventually. 

Enough for now! Goodnight internet!

Hmmm. That's no good.

My jeans were tight when I put them on this morning. They are my FAT jeans. I haven't actually stepped on the scales in quite a while (maybe a month or more) which usually means I am in denial. If I don't see the number on the scales, then I don't have to acknowledge that I'm putting on weight. Well, my jeans made that decision for me today. I have definitely put on weight and I'm not happy about it. However, I do know why I have been piling it on.

It's like I have this list of foods in my head, things that I may not be able to eat after banding, and I'm ticking them off one by one. Pizza? Sure! Steak? Better get that in now! I know it doesn't really make logical sense, I'm doing this to LOSE weight, not to go up and over the weight I was when I made the decision. Has anyone else had this problem? The Last Supper meets Groundhog Day! I don't even have a surgery date yet, heaven help me when I do!

I will have to get on the scales and see what damage has been done. It is the only way I can shock myself into doing something about it. I will report back tomorrow for some accountability. Stay tuned folks.

I don't DO mornings.

I detest mornings. Especially if I have to set my alarm! I know that sounds odd, but I'll explain a little. I'm a shift worker (hmmm... Freudian slip, I just typed Shit Worker). When I am on any shift except Day shift, I don't set an alarm. My body seems to know when it has had the right amount of sleep, and wakes me up around about the same time each day. However, when I do a day shift, I need to set an alarm or I would just keep sleeping.

So WTF was I doing awake, dressed and ready to leave the house this morning at 615am? This:

That's right. Yours truly participated in the local Mothers Day Walk/Run. Hubby and I walked all 5.5k at a brisk pace (and tried to ignore the fact we were getting overtaken by people pushing prams). Oh and a Happy Mothers Day to all the Mothers and Grandmothers out there, including the parents to Fur Babies.

It went pretty well, even if Hubby kept checking to make sure we weren't the very last people. We weren't but even if we came dead last I would not have cared. I hauled my ass out of bed at sparrow fart and exercised, that is an achievement in itself!

Oh and I thought of another Future NSV - I miss my collarbones! When I was at my very skinniest (although still obese by BMI standards) I could look in the mirror and stare at my collarbones all day. I'd never seen them before and they fascinated me. Does anyone else try different poses in the mirror to try and make them stand out more? No? Me either.

Quick Note!!

Before I get onto other things (such as what I was doing awake at 6am), if you are looking for a new Look for your Blog, drop on over to see Jen Here. I haven't signed up for a makeover yet, but I can see one in my not-too-distant future!

Future Non Scale Victories

To look this freakin fabulous when weighing myself!

But seriously, I have been thinking about the reasons that I am having surgery, and most of all what I would like to accomplish. I haven't called them goals, because to me that is a measurable thing like a number on the scale, exercise times or a waist measurement. My future NSV's are more about feelings or non measurable things. Let's get started. 

• To feel sexy in my clothes again
• To feel sexy out of my clothes again (and actually want to get nekked with my hubby)
• I can't wait to be able to buy a designer/fancy label dress in a smaller size (heck, any size - most are way too small!).
• To sit in an aeroplane seat without feeling like I should apologise to the person next to me, or have the armrest "rise" all on its own cos my thunder thigh is moving it out of the way
• To be able to see something in a magazine, shop window or on tv and think "I like that, will buy", rather than "I wonder if they make that in my size". 
• To look forward to seeing photos of myself, without dreading how big I look in them
• To eat in front of other people without feeling like I am being judged for my food

That's enough touchy feely stuff for now! I'm sure that I will add to this list the closer I get to surgery. Actually, the longer I wait, the more things I will think of!

Just dropping by

Ok I had grand plans for writing a post all about goals and what I want to achieve over the next twelve months, but since I got home from work I have been so enthralled in other peoples blogs, it is now time for bed and I haven't written it! I will try again tomorrow or Saturday.

Hope everyone is having a lovely week!

Edited to add: Any suggestions for blogs I should be following? I've added a bunch more to my reading list than what is shown to the right -> but any suggestions will be gratefully received. Mwah xo

Good Grief

3 followers! When did that happen?

Welcome!

And thank you to everyone who has been commenting so far. I wasn't really sure if anyone would read this, but now that people have, I'm quite happy about it! Having people out there somewhere (just had a flash of Linda Ronstadt) is really helpful, especially when I'm not discussing my decision with many people in my "real life". I really appreciate everyone's support!

Hugs all round internet :)

Impatient to be a Patient

So I don't actually have a surgery date yet. My first appointment with the surgeon is the 27th of June, and I am very impatiently waiting. I was given a list of things I had to do before this appointment, other people I had to see, and I have done them ALL. Actually, I had them done within 2 weeks of getting all the referral paperwork. I don't know if other surgeons require it, but these are the appointments I have conquered:

Blood test: to check for diabetes and heart disease etc. I am pretty sure that I am fine as I had bloods done fairly recently and all was A-OK at that time. My Doctor actually commented that for someone who is Obese (yes, with a capital O), I am pretty healthy.

Ultrasound and X-ray: Guess what, I have lungs! I have seen them on my very own chest x-ray. I'm also fairly sure that my liver, gallbladder and kidneys are all where they should be. I haven't had any panicked phone calls so everything must be in order.

Dietitian: I really enjoyed my visit to my new dietitian (I say new because I know I will be visiting her lots more). She didn't talk to me like I was an idiot. I'm actually already 3 steps into her "pre-surgery" preparation, as I've been seeing my fabulous doctor for 18 months now and have lost 10kgs on my own. She is really happy with where I am at, and she is very positive about my outlook with a band. In her experience it is the people who are already well motivated and "compliant" that do the best.

Exercise Physiologist: I was actually quite disappointed with this one. I was expecting someone who had dealt with band patients before and would be able to give me some advice with regard to which exercises I can do (and can't do) after the band is in. However, what I got was a general chat with someone who really hadn't had many clients who'd had WLS, had no idea what I could/couldn't do (ask your surgeon), just asked me what exercises I had been doing up til now. If I want to go back (and pay another 90 bucks) she can give me a program for workouts. Um, I kinda thought that's why I was there in the first place. Oh well.

Psychologist: I wasn't really sure what to expect here, and I was pleasantly surprised. We talked a lot about my experiences being overweight and my support network. She also gave me some homework about Mindful Eating. At the end of the session (which came around very quickly because I talk. Lots.), I did a couple of assessments for depression and anxiety. Probably not much of a surprise that I was evaluated with mild-moderate symptoms of depression. I will probably go back to her for some more sessions to work on that too.

So that was my "pre-surgery" program. Once I finished my last appointment, I walked myself down to the surgeons office (conveniently only a block away from the shrink) and got myself on the cancellation list. Fingers crossed my appointment gets moved up before I go nuts.

See ya soon internet xoxo

Let's start at the very beginning....

..... a very good place to start!

I'm new to this blog thing. Very new, so be kind. I've been inspired by reading other stories of lap band success and struggles, and wanting to keep a record somewhere of my "journey" (as naff as that sounds!). So far I am undecided about revealing who I really am, so at least in the beginning, I will just be red riding hood. An anonymous, overweight, 30 year old blogger.

So how did I get here?

I can't remember a time when I haven't been overweight. I have pictures of me as a small child (6 years old) and I am chubby. In fact I was described as "solid" on my identikid card (that my parents were supposed to carry around in case I ever got lost). I still have that card, and it still hurts my feelings. I know! 24 years later! School was a nightmare for me, I was the stereotypical fat, smart, bespectacled, asthmatic nerd. Yay me! The taunts and comments from other kids were always there, I remember the first time I was ever called fat. Who knew one word could have such an impact on a child?

I've been on more diets than I can count. I avoided the structured, meeting based programs, as I was too embarrassed to attend the meetings in case there was someone I knew (kind of like keeping this blog anonymous). I've taken pills, drank shakes, exercised like a demon and given up over and over. About 18 months ago I ended up finding the best GP who specialises in weight management (notice I didn't say weight loss?), and we have been working on "managing" my weight and issues since then. I have never once been made to feel bad about myself while in her office, and for that I will be forever grateful. Earlier this year she asked me if I would ever consider surgery, and I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Ok, I think that is enough for now, I feel like I'm rambling on, and not in a good way!

See you later internet xo